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[personal profile] 13_machka
It's been a couple of really hard weeks. i had posts ready for both, but I just couldn't make myself post them on the rare days I managed to make myself go to the library and get online.

My cat broke my glasses my jumping on them in a freak accident and while it is ridiculous in retrospect it was hard to take in that moment. I can't afford a new pair and the wait list for the doctors appointment is 6+ months.

It's just one thing on top of the other on top of the other.

I've been reading a lot of One Direction fanfiction by  [archiveofourown.org profile] sunsetmog (hello new fandom I didn't expect) and they're sooo good. No other stories resonated with me this hard. Ever. I could recognize myself in them in a way I couldn't have when people talk about poverty, anxiety and depression and that was hard but also such a relief because that meant I wasn't just like this when I can remember myself being different.

It's difficult, holding on to that sense of "Yes. That. I need to do that" when all I want is to do nothing and wait for it to go away. And I am aware that it won' go away on it's own and I have to do it under my own power because my best friend is on the other side of the continent and I can't rely on what family I do have on anything.

I had my first ever panic attack on Monday walking to the store. I managed somehow, but it terrified me, it proved to me I'm not okay in a way nothing else did. I cry a lot and I'm constantly tired.

I remember when I could write without fear and weighing every word, when I could post stuff and not be anxious of other people's reactions, when I could talk to people without feeling stupid, when I wasn't so scared of people leaving if I didn't say the right words or did the right things, when I fought for myself instead of accepting that I can't do anything right and that I'm just not good enough.

I went to see my doctor on Friday. I almost talked myself out of it a million times and I couldn't stop crying and shaking the entire time. The only thing keeping me from having another panic attack was [livejournal.com profile] in2lalaland sending me positive texts.

I got meds, an antidepressant and a scheduled check-up next week and I feel better just for telling someone. I never said any of this out loud to anyone, not even my best friend because I'm scared and I don't want to be a burden and I just want to be me again. But I feel like I might be getting there. Slowly

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13_machka

February 2016

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