13_machka: (Default)
[personal profile] 13_machka
It's been a couple of really hard weeks. i had posts ready for both, but I just couldn't make myself post them on the rare days I managed to make myself go to the library and get online.

My cat broke my glasses my jumping on them in a freak accident and while it is ridiculous in retrospect it was hard to take in that moment. I can't afford a new pair and the wait list for the doctors appointment is 6+ months.

It's just one thing on top of the other on top of the other.

I've been reading a lot of One Direction fanfiction by  [archiveofourown.org profile] sunsetmog (hello new fandom I didn't expect) and they're sooo good. No other stories resonated with me this hard. Ever. I could recognize myself in them in a way I couldn't have when people talk about poverty, anxiety and depression and that was hard but also such a relief because that meant I wasn't just like this when I can remember myself being different.

It's difficult, holding on to that sense of "Yes. That. I need to do that" when all I want is to do nothing and wait for it to go away. And I am aware that it won' go away on it's own and I have to do it under my own power because my best friend is on the other side of the continent and I can't rely on what family I do have on anything.

I had my first ever panic attack on Monday walking to the store. I managed somehow, but it terrified me, it proved to me I'm not okay in a way nothing else did. I cry a lot and I'm constantly tired.

I remember when I could write without fear and weighing every word, when I could post stuff and not be anxious of other people's reactions, when I could talk to people without feeling stupid, when I wasn't so scared of people leaving if I didn't say the right words or did the right things, when I fought for myself instead of accepting that I can't do anything right and that I'm just not good enough.

I went to see my doctor on Friday. I almost talked myself out of it a million times and I couldn't stop crying and shaking the entire time. The only thing keeping me from having another panic attack was [livejournal.com profile] in2lalaland sending me positive texts.

I got meds, an antidepressant and a scheduled check-up next week and I feel better just for telling someone. I never said any of this out loud to anyone, not even my best friend because I'm scared and I don't want to be a burden and I just want to be me again. But I feel like I might be getting there. Slowly

Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
Account name:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
HTML doesn't work in the subject.


Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.


13_machka: (Default)

February 2016

 123 456
21 222324252627

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 25th, 2017 10:09 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios