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It's been a couple of really hard weeks. i had posts ready for both, but I just couldn't make myself post them on the rare days I managed to make myself go to the library and get online.

My cat broke my glasses my jumping on them in a freak accident and while it is ridiculous in retrospect it was hard to take in that moment. I can't afford a new pair and the wait list for the doctors appointment is 6+ months.

It's just one thing on top of the other on top of the other.

I've been reading a lot of One Direction fanfiction by

sunsetmog (hello new fandom I didn't expect) and they're sooo good. No other stories resonated with me this hard. Ever. I could recognize myself in them in a way I couldn't have when people talk about poverty, anxiety and depression and that was hard but also such a relief because that meant I wasn't just like this when I can remember myself being different.

It's difficult, holding on to that sense of "Yes. That. I need to do that" when all I want is to do nothing and wait for it to go away. And I am aware that it won' go away on it's own and I have to do it under my own power because my best friend is on the other side of the continent and I can't rely on what family I do have on anything.

I had my first ever panic attack on Monday walking to the store. I managed somehow, but it terrified me, it proved to me I'm not okay in a way nothing else did. I cry a lot and I'm constantly tired.

I remember when I could write without fear and weighing every word, when I could post stuff and not be anxious of other people's reactions, when I could talk to people without feeling stupid, when I wasn't so scared of people leaving if I didn't say the right words or did the right things, when I fought for myself instead of accepting that I can't do anything right and that I'm just not good enough.

I went to see my doctor on Friday. I almost talked myself out of it a million times and I couldn't stop crying and shaking the entire time. The only thing keeping me from having another panic attack was

in2lalaland sending me positive texts.

I got meds, an antidepressant and a scheduled check-up next week and I feel better just for telling someone. I never said any of this out loud to anyone, not even my best friend because I'm scared and I don't want to be a burden and I just want to be me again. But I feel like I might be getting there. Slowly

It took me a while to start posting again, but I wanted to get all my profiles in order before starting anything and that's a lot of work for the limited computer time I have.

This feels...good. Relaxing. There's a sense of peace and a fresh start that i didn't feel with my former username. There's so much history tied to that name and not a lot of it good, both when it comes to my writing and personal life.

So this is a fresh start. I'm 30 years old, a new year is before me, hopefully I'll find a job this year so I can have some actual financial security and I have a new fandom.

I've seen Star Wars: The force awakens twice now in the past two weeks. I haven't seen a film in a theatre in over two years and I couldn't have picked a better one. I spent the first five minutes giggling like a loon because I've been playing LEGO Star Wars a lot lately, but OH MAN. The film is perfect and a lot of people have been much more eloquent than me in their admiration, but...

I love the diversity of the cast, in terms of race and gender and the fact that they all look like normal everyday people instead of Hollywood fake.
REY. Rey is everything I didn't know I needed in a female character and she's perfect. And I still get amazed by the fact that her hair is tied up throughout the entire film.
Finn is awesome, terrified and good and innocently adorable.
Poe. Poe is my baby and the one I intend to torture the most. He's good and nice and honest and simply awesome for a man that's supposed to be macho flyboy.
The mood of the film is fantastic and the effects and the feel is a true continuation of the Original Trilogy and the original cast made me cry.
And as always, the bots stole the show. ^_^

It's so strange, being in a fandom at it's beginning (yes, I am aware it's not the real beginning, but you know what I mean. I usually get there at least a year too late (Avengers) or more (Gundam Wing and Stargate Atlantis) and it's sooooo good. Refreshing and I don't feel isolated from everything. Like one of the geeks trying to pretend she's cool.

I am writing. I have written a lot of words in January and even though nothing is ready for posting yet I'm writing and that's what's most important. I signed up for the

theforceawakensbigbang and I already have the story mostly plotted out, inspired by a

tfa_kink prompt. My fandom self is in a happy, happy place right now.

The weather here has been really good to us this winter. We had a couple of really cold weeks at the end of December/ beginning of January, but for the most part winter hasn't really been...winter. Apparently, according to the weather people, it's actually nearly done. At the beginning of February. i am still expecting one more period of true cold sometime in March, but other than that the spring is almost here. The days are longer, the temperatures are 10-15 degrees Celsius on average and slowly everything is turning green. I'll be spending tomorrow in the garden pruning the trees.

That's it for now, but I'm going to stick to my New Year's resolution and post more.

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